Why People Are Shitheads Part A Billion

So I saw this thing online about a “dogsickle”.  Did you guys see this?  Basically, a dogsickle is when you take all of your dogs favorite toys and you freeze them in a block of ice and make the dog like and chew his way into the ice block to get his toys back.  
This is supposed to be a good thing to do for your pet because it hydrates them during this insane heat, but look at that picture above. You can tell what the dog's thinking is, “Oh, you unbeilevable DICK!”    
And he would too because that’s a shitty thing to do to your best friend unless you’re just a complete sadist.    
That’s like something you’d do to some one you were dating who cheated on you.
 
“Hey, honey, hope you had fun fucking my best friend without a condom on my birthday.  On an unrelated note, I’m moving out.  Please go fuck yourself and get cancer.  Oh, and by the way, your makeup bag, your cell phone, your ipod, your favorite dildo and the teddy bear your dad bought you right before he died are now in the back yard encased in carbonite, Han Solo style.  The only way you can get them out is by licking the cube until it melts.  You might want to hurry because it’s trash day.”

Yeah, that’s the only time you do that to anyone.  You sure as shit don’t do that to your dog.  Your dog is your best friend in the world.  Your dog is always going to be on your side.  The only time you’d do that to you dog is if you’re just a sadistic sociopath.  

"Here poochy, I put everything you love in a place where you can’t reach it just so you can get some hydration."  

"Fuck you, asshole.  Why not leave out a bowl of water.  I’m a fucking dog.  I know how to drink when I’m thirsty.  I don’t care how hot it is."

The Pornstar Rant

Haven't been able to post for a while due to computer issues.  That doesn't mean I haven't been doing stuff and stuff.


 

 I've done the pornstar rant once before. You can't see it but this time, when I asked a random guy in the audience to stand up and mimic going down on three guys at once...he did it.  It reminded me of something I read in an interview between Paul Provenza and Colin Quinn.  The difference between making a comedy TV show or film and doing comedy in front of a live audience is the same as the difference between playing Call of Duty and actually being in a war.  More later.

Please put a dick in that guy's mouth.

New Segment Titled "Here's How Big Of A Piece of Shit I Am."

This may not be my best work, but I'm proud of it anyway.



This, on the other hand, may have been my finest hour. Or finest five minutes. Whatever.



If you like what you see here and you're in the area come out to Eastside Tavern in Columbia, MO. It's technically an open mic night, but with the regular comics we have it's more like a fucking SHOW. So get your ass out there. Free show. Cheap drinks. Solid comics.

And if you're not in the area go check out Bill Donald's Youtube page and see some of the other comics I work with.

Or don't. See if I care.

Where I've Been Lately...

There's something about being on stage that you don't get from composing the written word. Instant gratification.

Also, it gave me a chance to do this for a friend.



Don't worry. I'll get back to writing eventually. In the mean time, MORE DICK JOKES.

Occupy Wall Street; Some Thoughts About

Here's some thoughts.

I watch the news. A lot. I've never been one of these "ignorance is bliss" types, although I've been jealous of those types for pretty much most of my life. I mine the news for information and ideas that I can use in my creative pursuits on a regular basis. This practice usually makes me depressed, cynical and pissy as a trailer park mom on child support payment day.

But I keep watching. The fucking news. Hoping and hoping that something will come along, that something will happen that is going to turn the country, if not the world, into the direction of progressive thought or at least something we can all agree on as common sense.

That day has come.

These Occupy Wall Street Protestors have earned my love in a way no blowjob ever could.

They may not have a leader. They may not have a centralized, cohesive, articulated or even well thought-out message, but, in the end, fuck you. They don't need one. This is not an organization we are dealing with. This is not a political party we are dealing with. This is not your fucking khakis!!!

This started just a couple weeks ago with twenty hippies in a park refusing to go home and now it's people screaming "FACSIST!" in cops faces.

I hear people on the news trying to compare them (or in some cases distance them) from the Tea Party movement.

The truth is this is the movement that ate the Tea Party. Or at least they ate the part of the Tea Party that mattered. The Tea Party got started by some right wing think tank with a good PR team that could mobilize people who were pissed off. At the end of the day those people were run, led and organized by Republicans.

the Occupation on the other hand is just chaos. It's everyone. It started with a few people with a broad, undefined message and now it's grown into God knows how many thousand or million people with a broad, undefined message.

And the part about their message being broad and undefined seems to be the cornerstone of the right wings criticism of them.

"Oh, typical liberal," they say. "You whine about a problem, but you don't propose any solution."

Which is obviously a bullshit counter argument. I mean, seriously, do you only complain about problems you have a solution to? Do you go see a doctor only when you know your diagnosis? Do you only take your car to the mechanic when you know what parts need to be replaced? No. Of course not. A person can be smart enough to notice a tumor without being dumb for not knowing how to deal with it.

And the tumor in this country right now comes down to a break down in equality.

Economic equality.

And when I use the words "economic equality" I don't mean what you probably think I mean.

Most people think that when I say "economic equality" I'm griping that some other guy has a lot of money and I don't. This is not the case.

Under the constitution of this great nation everyone is created equal. Remember that, because I'm going to get back to it in a second.

I make in the range of 25k per year. I'm comfortable with that being a single guy who doesn't own a car and lives in a shitty apartment. I'm also comfortable with the idea that other people make millions of dollars a year and live in massive fuck-off awesome mansions. Massive fuck-off awesome mansions sound nice, but I don't want to do what those people had to do to get to be millionares so I'm happy with my 30K a year job and modest apartment. Happiness is the key here. Me and the millionare are both free to persue that.

The problem originates at the point where the millionare gets to; lobby harder than I can, because he has more money; gets to advertise his political viewpoint further and wider because he has more money; gets to purchase campaigns (which is what the Citizens United ruling under the Supreme Court allowed them to do) simply becaucse he has more money; gets to say that the law does not appy to him because he has more money.

This is the state we live in. One voice no longer equals one vote. One voice equals a sound bite if that voice is lucky and in the right place and time when a camera is around and again only if that voice says what the network owners want to be heard.

A dollar, on the other hand, that equals a vote these days.

And that's a problem.

We don't hate the rich. Hugh Heffner is still cool. Let him keep his mansion. He earned it.

We hate the rich who exercise control. The ones whose desicions affect the rest of us, but avoid the consequences of those desicions. We hate those rich who tell us what we can and can't have regardless of the fact that we are equals to them under the constitution. We hate the rich assume a level of control that should be beyond the average citizen.

I've been telling my republican friends for years that capitalism should not be a game of survival of the fittest but instead a system where everyone thrives and only the most ambitious get to have the mega wealth. They all say, "Sorry, it's a game. There's winners and losers and the losers go hungry."

Ok, shithead. You wanted survival of the fittest. You got it. Welcome to the jungle. The rich are on the menu.

Snarky Bastard Make Me Smile

I would totally hang out with this guy.

Link Love

Here are two reasons why I keep Warrenellis.com as my home page.

One; Anyone else here a Garth Ennis fan? If so, prepare to orgasm. If you're not a fan of Garth Ennis you need to get to work on that. Ennis is the genius comic book writer known for Preacher, The Boys, Crossed, Hitman, and defining runs on Hellblazer and The Punisher. I'll always love him as the guy who wrote that one book where the cannibal made a pair of underwear out of some guys face and wore them so that his balls hung out the mouth. Hmm...yeah, that was in Crossed.

Now Garth brings us this.

Note the words "written and directed by Garth Ennis"? Garth made a movie! A ZOMBIE MOVIE! If that's not enough awesome to leave you giggling with anticipation for hours then you are wrong, my friend.

STITCHED is set to premiere at the San Diego Comic Con July 21, but you can already order a your copy of the DVD. Full details here.

Moving on. Also found on Warren's site is this little bit of casual shenanigans. I'm not going into detail on this other than to say that it is an actual letter dated December, 1998 written by one of every one's heroes and it contains the line, "You are a computer salesman - I am fucking JAMES BOND." Just go read it.

Also, I've been listening to Michelle Bachmann's inane cerebral palsy-esq face noise ever since some suit somewhere decided that there wasn't enough Palin in the world. Like most right thinking people, I tend to laugh uncontrollably and throw feces at her whenever she opens her mouth. This is awkward for me since I usually see her on TV, but that's another story. I was only just able to keep my steaming monkey turds to myself when I saw this bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I give you the Michelle Bachmann Story of American History complete with more Jabba the Hutt than they gave you in high school.

And finally, just because you need to see it again, technically this is a Bruno Mars video, but in my heart it's a Leonard Nimoy video because he is most definitely the coolest fucking thing about this song.

I don't know if anyone has heard me openly scream my massive love for Jon Stewart and all the people who work at the Daily Show. But here is an example of Jon and staff burning a new asshole in the forehead of hypocrisy.

The Daily Show - Fox News False Statements
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Laugh all you want. But be pissed. Jon makes his money from comedy. But comedy comes from truth. And the truth is we deserve better...from everything. Shit. It's a capitalist nation. that means we're paying for it. why can't we demand better?

White Power Milk: How the Internet is Fucking With Me.

I watched a Louis C.K. bit one time (on "Hilarious," oddly enough.) where he defined the word "hilarious" as something that is so funny it breaks your mind. I don't know if the following is all that funny, but the cracks in my brain creak when I think about it. Naturally, my first inclination was to share it with you. You're welcome.

Here is the link to something called White Power Milk. Keep reading, I'm going full circle on this one.

I'm going to explain White Power Milk to you not just to explain it to you, but also to get it straight in my own head while I still remember that I am a living sentient organism on a very fucked up little rock hurtling around an indifferent sun and not a cartoon character in a disturbing 4chan video who only ever shows up in a leash and leather mask. Okay, here goes.

Basically, you give the nice people at White Power Milk a lot of money ($100 for an ounce and a half or $130 for two ounces). Then you choose from a line up of "milk purifiers." A milk purifier, before you ask, is, in this case, defined as a rich, pretty girl from an affluent family who are (and we want to emphasize this because the WPM website does) WHITE!!! The girl of your choice will then be led, or carried on a bed of rose pedals and newly minted hundred dollar bill by a parade of castrated attendants one imagines, into the spa area where she disrobes and is bathed and oiled by a fellow hot, young, rich, WHITE girl. During this phase of the operation your designated purifier will pay special attention to mouth rinsing for reasons which will soon become...

No, lets just stop and think about the process up until now. Two hot girls bathing each other. That's all we really need to think about. If you are a mentally well adjusted human being you can stop reading right there and go about your day, completely whole as a person right?

No? Need to hear more? Alright, fucko, you asked for it.

After the bathing and the nakedness, the girl you chose from line-up of pictures that look like they came from a book of "before" photos a heroin rehab clinic keeps around for advertising purposes will go into a small room, take a swig of organic milk, gargle for 10-15 seconds and then spit into a container about the size of a shot glass. With that done the owner of the website mails you the tiny bottle of organic milk purified by rich WHITE girl backwash.

All that costs a hundred bucks. Pleasure doing business, dipshit, who's next?

Yeah, I know what you're thinking because I was thinking it too. There's no way that's real. White Power Milk cannot be a real thing. Then a quick glance at the site's FAQ section assured me that "Fuck you, yes! It's a real thing."

Really? REALLY??? This? Is a thing?

This guy is selling organic milk (in very, very tiny amounts) to stupid rich fucks under the notion that the mouths of rich, pretty, WHITE girls has some magical cleansing effect on an already, pretty much benign substance. One assumes that because all the girls are rich, pretty, WHITE college students that normal vectors for orally transmitted diseases are immediately stunted by how rich, pretty and WHITE these girls are. Because, you know, pretty WHITE girls in their early twenties who go to really expensive universities never catch those nasty peasant diseases, right? Right?

The only thing more ridiculous that this is a thing is that it's totally not a thing. Except for the part where it's actually a thing. Stay with me.

A quick google search turns up this article by Alex Miller, a blogger who is, apparently, far less research lazy than I am. He points out that the website is run by a guy named Nate Hill a performance artist responsible for...some other stuff I probably don't care about. The girls in the photos are members of some hipster band that doesn't realize the rest of us are happy 1986 is over.

Then there is the Terms & Conditions page of whitepowermilk.com. There we find some giveaways that this isn't a thing.

Stuff like; "Buyer understands that if the specific woman selected to gargle milk is unavailable for any reason at the time of order, a replacement from this website will be selected on the buyer's behalf."

And, " Buyer understands that a portion of the information on this website has been fictionalized. Keep out of reach of children and pets. Exact ingredients’ lists of products are known only to the product manufacturer. All sales are final."

My favorite line after the bit about certain information being fictionalized is this one; "White Power Milk is not sold or intended for human consumption."

To paraphrase the Terms & Conditions page in my own words, "Hi, I'm about to rip you off. But you're not going to sue me for ripping you off because I'm telling you that I'm ripping you off up front. But you're still going to give me money because I'm doing it in an artful, clever way. You're basically paying me for being really, really clever. Being clever is worth something, right? Especially since you are so very, very not clever."

Alright, so the whole thing is an art project. Nate Hill is doing what satirists have always done. Putting something stupid into the world to show the world how stupid it really is. I suppose, the point of this is something about capitalism and the objectification of women and racism is obviously going to be in the mixed bag of subtext somewhere.

IRRELEVANT TANGENT GO!

There's probably also a lesson about how my penis makes me a bad boy for finding all those girls and their mouths attractive. Because whether it's a conservative christian dipshit with a "God Hates Fags" sign on the side of the road or a liberal performance art dipshit with a clever website, domination always begins at the genital level. Anyone who says you're wrong for liking what you like is an obvious sociopath hellbent on ruling the world. As long as you aren't raping or harassing or hurting anyone (without their permission, of course. Some of you are kinkier than others) and as long as you aren't having sex with any kids, feel free to ignore any asshole who wants you on his particular anti-sex guilt trip. You're welcome.

IRRELEVANT TANGENT STOP!

So, what's the problem here? I mean, we've established that this White Power Milk thing isn't a thing. It's just one of those easily dismissible arty things that only pretentious douche bags would even pay attention to in the first place as a sad attempt to appear smart, right? Sanity is restored. Situation normal, all fucked up, right?

Wrong! You see, we haven't gotten to the really fucked up part. We haven't gotten to the part that widened the ever deepening fissures in my already crumbling psyche.

You see, even though White Power Milk is a translucent hoax\artfully constructed middle finger to society, they are still selling the milk.

I repeat. The milk, that's probably not milk, that was gargled by girls, who most likely never gargled it or did anything other than show up for the photo shoot that one time, is still on sale and two ounces of it will cost you more than I made waiting tables at the restaurant for eight hours on Friday night. And this art project designed to show how capitalism objectifies women by creating a fake service that provides a fraudulent product is actually collecting a very real paycheck for having objectified those women who didn't gargle the milk.

You see how I'm dizzy right now.

If you're a satirist and you create a bit of irony that eats itself; job well done. If you're going to sit there and eat your own irony as would a mental patient gleefully licking the feces off his own fingers like ice cream...well, I guess, job well done, asshole.

Photos That Put a Smile on My Face

Normal stupidity will begin shortly or when I fucking feel like it. In the meantime here are some shiny things to distract you.




I know at least one of you who remembers that photo; "Fuck you! I'm an anteater!" If not, google it.

Also, here's a pic from a protest at the Amona Outpost in West Bank. Found here at Cracked.

Grandma to Massive herd of riot cops; "Come get some!"

Finally, here's this. Why? Because AWWWW! That's why.

Super What...

In a couple of hours millions of Americans will plop down on couches that are already moaning under the weight of McDonald's saturated asses to enjoy this great nations most popular annual televised excuse for drinking.

Many of these people will be watching the Super Bowl, not out of appreciation for the sport, but because they get a mild giggle from the fucking commercials, which half of my graduating video production class could have easily bested in cleverness if not production value and still given change from a twenty. (Although, I have to admit that the trail for Cowboys & Aliens is somewhat boner inspiring. Probably more so than the finished film will be.)


Still, the rest of these fans, the ones not tuning in for the commercials, the ones who aren't watching the Super Bowl because it offers a chance to get a bunch of people over for an organized keg stand tournament, those people are tuning in because they like to watch...

I would just like to take a moment to remind these people; Ahem! FOOTBALL IS STILL NOT A MAN'S SPORT, DICKHEAD!

Allow me to clarify.

Football -- A grown up frat boy, whose body mass is thirty percent steroids, wearing a helmet and three inches of plastic armor while making six figures a year to play the game suddenly has to sit out a few games because he broke a pinkie in a freak hand job accident.

Then there's...

Rugby -- A chain-smoking ex-convict who grew up in a house made of corrugated tin next to toxic waste drainage ditch runs out on to a field with nothing to protect his bones but a heart filled with murder and a bad Cosby sweater. He and a bunch of other like minded individuals proceed to beat the hell out of each other over who gets the ball until one of them gets half their face headbutted off. The player who gets half his face headbutted off then has three minutes to collect the broken bits of cheek bone and staple them back onto his skull in a horrific mask that would make the average Batman villain vomit blood. That player then goes back onto the field to get a piece of the "bloody bastard" who headbutted him in the first place. All players are paid in beer and the tears of fallen enemies in accordance with ancient Klingon rules of Warfare.

So in summation, fuck this shit. I'm going back to bed.

Glenn Beck VS. Donald Duck

It's funny. Some people might actually need this Donald Duck cartoon to understand what's wrong about Glenn Beck.

Found at Boing Boing