Cold Dark Hatred and Self-Loathing

This was performed last Tuesday.  Full disclosure; I have a single one-liner that was lifted from a Doug Stanhope performance.  I don't consider this joke theft because of the context of the bit.  The interaction with the co-worker I described really did take place and just had to tell that story on stage.

Hopefully, Stanhope understands this.  I really don't want that guy coming after me.

Space Pussy! Plus;What it's like to fuck Mitt Romney.

Again, crowd response was better than it sounds in the video.  There were something like fifteen people in the whole bar that night.

Why People Are Shitheads Part A Billion

So I saw this thing online about a “dogsickle”.  Did you guys see this?  Basically, a dogsickle is when you take all of your dogs favorite toys and you freeze them in a block of ice and make the dog like and chew his way into the ice block to get his toys back.  
This is supposed to be a good thing to do for your pet because it hydrates them during this insane heat, but look at that picture above. You can tell what the dog's thinking is, “Oh, you unbeilevable DICK!”    
And he would too because that’s a shitty thing to do to your best friend unless you’re just a complete sadist.    
That’s like something you’d do to some one you were dating who cheated on you.
 
“Hey, honey, hope you had fun fucking my best friend without a condom on my birthday.  On an unrelated note, I’m moving out.  Please go fuck yourself and get cancer.  Oh, and by the way, your makeup bag, your cell phone, your ipod, your favorite dildo and the teddy bear your dad bought you right before he died are now in the back yard encased in carbonite, Han Solo style.  The only way you can get them out is by licking the cube until it melts.  You might want to hurry because it’s trash day.”

Yeah, that’s the only time you do that to anyone.  You sure as shit don’t do that to your dog.  Your dog is your best friend in the world.  Your dog is always going to be on your side.  The only time you’d do that to you dog is if you’re just a sadistic sociopath.  

"Here poochy, I put everything you love in a place where you can’t reach it just so you can get some hydration."  

"Fuck you, asshole.  Why not leave out a bowl of water.  I’m a fucking dog.  I know how to drink when I’m thirsty.  I don’t care how hot it is."