Cold Dark Hatred and Self-Loathing

This was performed last Tuesday.  Full disclosure; I have a single one-liner that was lifted from a Doug Stanhope performance.  I don't consider this joke theft because of the context of the bit.  The interaction with the co-worker I described really did take place and just had to tell that story on stage.

Hopefully, Stanhope understands this.  I really don't want that guy coming after me.

The Pornstar Rant

Haven't been able to post for a while due to computer issues.  That doesn't mean I haven't been doing stuff and stuff.


 

 I've done the pornstar rant once before. You can't see it but this time, when I asked a random guy in the audience to stand up and mimic going down on three guys at once...he did it.  It reminded me of something I read in an interview between Paul Provenza and Colin Quinn.  The difference between making a comedy TV show or film and doing comedy in front of a live audience is the same as the difference between playing Call of Duty and actually being in a war.  More later.

I'm Pretty Sure This One Pissed Off Some One

Oh, well. Bring it, trolls.



You ever hear some one say that they don't like it when comedians laugh at thier own jokes. I used to hate that too. But now I get it. When you're in the crowd you still think of yourself as an individual watching another individual up on stage doing thier act.

But when you're on stage you don't see a bunch of individuals, you see a CROWD. And a crowd is a big, scary animal. A massive beast that can either love you or eat you alive. And it's your job to make that beast love you. When things go well, when you've made that beast your friend, you can feel the crowd's laughter washing over you. Laughter is contagious.

When a comic laughs on stage, he isn't laughing because he thinks he's so fucking clever. He's laughing along side his new friend, the audience.

As a comic, I thank you for that.

SIDE NOTE: I was particularly nervous about doing this set for a couple of reasons. One of those reasons being that this was the first time I ever went so far as to use the word "faggot" on stage. It also happened to be the first night my gay younger brother came to the show. It's great that I can watch that video and actually pick out his distinct laugh on the audio.

As always this shit happens at The As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show every Tuesday at 10pm at the luxurious Eastside Tavern in Columbia, Missouri. If you're in the area come out. Free show, cheap drinks and many slutty comedians such as myself.

If you're not in the area go check out Bill Donald's youtube channel where you can watch more stuff by me and all the other comics I work with.

New Segment Titled "Here's How Big Of A Piece of Shit I Am."

This may not be my best work, but I'm proud of it anyway.



This, on the other hand, may have been my finest hour. Or finest five minutes. Whatever.



If you like what you see here and you're in the area come out to Eastside Tavern in Columbia, MO. It's technically an open mic night, but with the regular comics we have it's more like a fucking SHOW. So get your ass out there. Free show. Cheap drinks. Solid comics.

And if you're not in the area go check out Bill Donald's Youtube page and see some of the other comics I work with.

Or don't. See if I care.

Where I've Been Lately...

There's something about being on stage that you don't get from composing the written word. Instant gratification.

Also, it gave me a chance to do this for a friend.



Don't worry. I'll get back to writing eventually. In the mean time, MORE DICK JOKES.

I'm back!

Hey. What up?

I've been asleep at the wheel of this blog for a while now. That happens. I'm going to try hard to correct that.

The main reason I've been away is...well, I don't really feel like I have much of an audience. I know that shit takes time, but it's still kind of discouraging to come to the realization that, apart from the friends and family who love you enough to listen to whatever stupid ass bullshit that comes out of your face, you're basically talking to yourself on here.

It was depressing enough that I gave up on the blog and sought an audience elsewhere.

And I found one at a place in Columbia Fucking Missouri of all places. A real live audience whose reactions I get to watch in real time. I'm no longer spewing madness into the void and hoping some one screams back.

This audience gathers on Tuesday night at a place called Eastside Tavern in Columbia, MO for an event dubbed The As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show. And it's fucking...well, honestly it's the reason I don't need anti-depressants anymore.

A rag tag group of talented amateur comics, gracious enough to add me to the set list of this open mic night event, allowed me to share their stage and now I have this feeling like a fog has lifted.

No, I'm not quiting the blog. I'm starting over. Or rather picking up where I left off.

It wasn't like I needed a reason to live before As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show. I was happy enough to just live for its own sake before, but now I know I have a reason for being here. This is what I want to do. And I can. And I can do it well.

I've performed stand-up comedy exactly seven times in my life now. Two of those times I would have been boo-ed off stage if I hadn't been too stubborn to give the pricks the satisfaction. On those occasions I just plowed through the rest of my set at light speed and said, "Thank you, goodnight." because fuck'em. I came to say my peace and I wasn't going to stop for a bunch of assholes who thought it was funnier to gang-heckle one guy than sit back and give him a chance. In retrospect I should have screamed at the top of my lungs, "OHHHH, YEAH!!! BIG BUNCH OF FUCKING MEN OUT IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT! SIT BACK BEHIND YOUR FRUITY YEAGER BOMBS AND SCREAM AT THE ONE GUY IN THE ROOM WHO HAD THE BALLS TO SIGN UP TO STAND UP HERE ALONE! LOOK AT THE BALLS ON YOU!"

But, fuck it, hindsight's 20/20 and success is the best revenge. And I got that revenge.

The last time I performed was this past Tuesday and I received the greatest response from an audience that I have ever heard. I'm fairly certain that some people laughed so hard they were a little bit scared of me. I truly believe I will never top that performance. That won't stop me trying though.

If you had been there and if you had seen me before that set and asked me how I felt I would have told you I was more scared than ever. More scared than the time I was in the car wreck, or the time in boxing class when I sparred a big ass guy named Viking or the time I was working at the mental hospital when the not-guilty-by-reason-of-insanity-size-of-a-refrigerator-ex-rapist wanted to beat my ass. Before going on stage I would have traded my fear of the spotlight for any or all of those other situations combined. Happily.

If you asked me the same question after I got off stage, I could have answered with one word.

Bulletproof.

Now I'm back.

And I'm here to bring the funny.

Please stand by.