White Power Milk: How the Internet is Fucking With Me.

I watched a Louis C.K. bit one time (on "Hilarious," oddly enough.) where he defined the word "hilarious" as something that is so funny it breaks your mind. I don't know if the following is all that funny, but the cracks in my brain creak when I think about it. Naturally, my first inclination was to share it with you. You're welcome.

Here is the link to something called White Power Milk. Keep reading, I'm going full circle on this one.

I'm going to explain White Power Milk to you not just to explain it to you, but also to get it straight in my own head while I still remember that I am a living sentient organism on a very fucked up little rock hurtling around an indifferent sun and not a cartoon character in a disturbing 4chan video who only ever shows up in a leash and leather mask. Okay, here goes.

Basically, you give the nice people at White Power Milk a lot of money ($100 for an ounce and a half or $130 for two ounces). Then you choose from a line up of "milk purifiers." A milk purifier, before you ask, is, in this case, defined as a rich, pretty girl from an affluent family who are (and we want to emphasize this because the WPM website does) WHITE!!! The girl of your choice will then be led, or carried on a bed of rose pedals and newly minted hundred dollar bill by a parade of castrated attendants one imagines, into the spa area where she disrobes and is bathed and oiled by a fellow hot, young, rich, WHITE girl. During this phase of the operation your designated purifier will pay special attention to mouth rinsing for reasons which will soon become...

No, lets just stop and think about the process up until now. Two hot girls bathing each other. That's all we really need to think about. If you are a mentally well adjusted human being you can stop reading right there and go about your day, completely whole as a person right?

No? Need to hear more? Alright, fucko, you asked for it.

After the bathing and the nakedness, the girl you chose from line-up of pictures that look like they came from a book of "before" photos a heroin rehab clinic keeps around for advertising purposes will go into a small room, take a swig of organic milk, gargle for 10-15 seconds and then spit into a container about the size of a shot glass. With that done the owner of the website mails you the tiny bottle of organic milk purified by rich WHITE girl backwash.

All that costs a hundred bucks. Pleasure doing business, dipshit, who's next?

Yeah, I know what you're thinking because I was thinking it too. There's no way that's real. White Power Milk cannot be a real thing. Then a quick glance at the site's FAQ section assured me that "Fuck you, yes! It's a real thing."

Really? REALLY??? This? Is a thing?

This guy is selling organic milk (in very, very tiny amounts) to stupid rich fucks under the notion that the mouths of rich, pretty, WHITE girls has some magical cleansing effect on an already, pretty much benign substance. One assumes that because all the girls are rich, pretty, WHITE college students that normal vectors for orally transmitted diseases are immediately stunted by how rich, pretty and WHITE these girls are. Because, you know, pretty WHITE girls in their early twenties who go to really expensive universities never catch those nasty peasant diseases, right? Right?

The only thing more ridiculous that this is a thing is that it's totally not a thing. Except for the part where it's actually a thing. Stay with me.

A quick google search turns up this article by Alex Miller, a blogger who is, apparently, far less research lazy than I am. He points out that the website is run by a guy named Nate Hill a performance artist responsible for...some other stuff I probably don't care about. The girls in the photos are members of some hipster band that doesn't realize the rest of us are happy 1986 is over.

Then there is the Terms & Conditions page of whitepowermilk.com. There we find some giveaways that this isn't a thing.

Stuff like; "Buyer understands that if the specific woman selected to gargle milk is unavailable for any reason at the time of order, a replacement from this website will be selected on the buyer's behalf."

And, " Buyer understands that a portion of the information on this website has been fictionalized. Keep out of reach of children and pets. Exact ingredients’ lists of products are known only to the product manufacturer. All sales are final."

My favorite line after the bit about certain information being fictionalized is this one; "White Power Milk is not sold or intended for human consumption."

To paraphrase the Terms & Conditions page in my own words, "Hi, I'm about to rip you off. But you're not going to sue me for ripping you off because I'm telling you that I'm ripping you off up front. But you're still going to give me money because I'm doing it in an artful, clever way. You're basically paying me for being really, really clever. Being clever is worth something, right? Especially since you are so very, very not clever."

Alright, so the whole thing is an art project. Nate Hill is doing what satirists have always done. Putting something stupid into the world to show the world how stupid it really is. I suppose, the point of this is something about capitalism and the objectification of women and racism is obviously going to be in the mixed bag of subtext somewhere.

IRRELEVANT TANGENT GO!

There's probably also a lesson about how my penis makes me a bad boy for finding all those girls and their mouths attractive. Because whether it's a conservative christian dipshit with a "God Hates Fags" sign on the side of the road or a liberal performance art dipshit with a clever website, domination always begins at the genital level. Anyone who says you're wrong for liking what you like is an obvious sociopath hellbent on ruling the world. As long as you aren't raping or harassing or hurting anyone (without their permission, of course. Some of you are kinkier than others) and as long as you aren't having sex with any kids, feel free to ignore any asshole who wants you on his particular anti-sex guilt trip. You're welcome.

IRRELEVANT TANGENT STOP!

So, what's the problem here? I mean, we've established that this White Power Milk thing isn't a thing. It's just one of those easily dismissible arty things that only pretentious douche bags would even pay attention to in the first place as a sad attempt to appear smart, right? Sanity is restored. Situation normal, all fucked up, right?

Wrong! You see, we haven't gotten to the really fucked up part. We haven't gotten to the part that widened the ever deepening fissures in my already crumbling psyche.

You see, even though White Power Milk is a translucent hoax\artfully constructed middle finger to society, they are still selling the milk.

I repeat. The milk, that's probably not milk, that was gargled by girls, who most likely never gargled it or did anything other than show up for the photo shoot that one time, is still on sale and two ounces of it will cost you more than I made waiting tables at the restaurant for eight hours on Friday night. And this art project designed to show how capitalism objectifies women by creating a fake service that provides a fraudulent product is actually collecting a very real paycheck for having objectified those women who didn't gargle the milk.

You see how I'm dizzy right now.

If you're a satirist and you create a bit of irony that eats itself; job well done. If you're going to sit there and eat your own irony as would a mental patient gleefully licking the feces off his own fingers like ice cream...well, I guess, job well done, asshole.