Hey. What up?
I've been asleep at the wheel of this blog for a while now. That happens. I'm going to try hard to correct that.
The main reason I've been away is...well, I don't really feel like I have much of an audience. I know that shit takes time, but it's still kind of discouraging to come to the realization that, apart from the friends and family who love you enough to listen to whatever stupid ass bullshit that comes out of your face, you're basically talking to yourself on here.
It was depressing enough that I gave up on the blog and sought an audience elsewhere.
And I found one at a place in Columbia Fucking Missouri of all places. A real live audience whose reactions I get to watch in real time. I'm no longer spewing madness into the void and hoping some one screams back.
This audience gathers on Tuesday night at a place called Eastside Tavern in Columbia, MO for an event dubbed The As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show. And it's fucking...well, honestly it's the reason I don't need anti-depressants anymore.
A rag tag group of talented amateur comics, gracious enough to add me to the set list of this open mic night event, allowed me to share their stage and now I have this feeling like a fog has lifted.
No, I'm not quiting the blog. I'm starting over. Or rather picking up where I left off.
It wasn't like I needed a reason to live before As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show. I was happy enough to just live for its own sake before, but now I know I have a reason for being here. This is what I want to do. And I can. And I can do it well.
I've performed stand-up comedy exactly seven times in my life now. Two of those times I would have been boo-ed off stage if I hadn't been too stubborn to give the pricks the satisfaction. On those occasions I just plowed through the rest of my set at light speed and said, "Thank you, goodnight." because fuck'em. I came to say my peace and I wasn't going to stop for a bunch of assholes who thought it was funnier to gang-heckle one guy than sit back and give him a chance. In retrospect I should have screamed at the top of my lungs, "OHHHH, YEAH!!! BIG BUNCH OF FUCKING MEN OUT IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT! SIT BACK BEHIND YOUR FRUITY YEAGER BOMBS AND SCREAM AT THE ONE GUY IN THE ROOM WHO HAD THE BALLS TO SIGN UP TO STAND UP HERE ALONE! LOOK AT THE BALLS ON YOU!"
But, fuck it, hindsight's 20/20 and success is the best revenge. And I got that revenge.
The last time I performed was this past Tuesday and I received the greatest response from an audience that I have ever heard. I'm fairly certain that some people laughed so hard they were a little bit scared of me. I truly believe I will never top that performance. That won't stop me trying though.
If you had been there and if you had seen me before that set and asked me how I felt I would have told you I was more scared than ever. More scared than the time I was in the car wreck, or the time in boxing class when I sparred a big ass guy named Viking or the time I was working at the mental hospital when the not-guilty-by-reason-of-insanity-size-of-a-refrigerator-ex-rapist wanted to beat my ass. Before going on stage I would have traded my fear of the spotlight for any or all of those other situations combined. Happily.
If you asked me the same question after I got off stage, I could have answered with one word.
Bulletproof.
Now I'm back.
And I'm here to bring the funny.
Please stand by.
