Hello, Potential Mate!

So I've decided to give the online dating thing a try again. I'm trying to write a decent "About Me" blurb for these social network sites, but I keep hitting a wall. I think the problem lies in my inherent inability to take anything seriously ever. So I going to post my three best personal ads here you guys can vote in the comment section which one you think will most likely attract the woman of my mostly silent bathroom time contemplations.

1. Hello, Potential Mate.

After my last girlfriend dumped me I was a tad bitter and on one occasion I announced that I would like to invent an explosive condom for suicide bombers. Unfortunately, I was at the airport when I made this comment. So, I've spent the last four years in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba trying to explain that I was just kidding. During that time I learned many fun and interesting things; airports habitually screen their employees for a sense of humor so as to avoid hiring any actual humans; that Obama guy was full of shit; and I learned that despite what I previously thought about myself, I am not a dog person. Now that I'm free I'm looking to move on with my life. My ideal woman must not be prone to sudden movements, must not own a dog, must promise not to ruin the ending of Lost for me.

2. Yo, Bitches,

My name is Icepick McGoldenPenis. I got that name because I give women orgasms so goddamn stupid good that they often lapse into vegetative states. Don't fuckin' ask me about the Terry Schivo case, yo, I don't know nothin' bout that shit. But, truth, straight up, between my great big dick and the fact that I make damn near a grand an hour doin' this blog bullshit means you wanna get with me and I get to treat you like somethin' I'm gonna wipe with cause that's just how it is when you're with some one as badass as me. And don't go kiddin' yo'selves, you bitches love a muthafucka that's gonna treat you like a chump beggin fo' change on the street. How else did Mel Gibson and Woody Allen and the entire goddamn rap community get so much tail? And don't even get me started on that stupid fucking "Seduction" wave community. Fuck those guys. "Hey, my name is Mystery. Doesn't that make you want to take your pants off?" Dude, fuck you and die. Your ability to put your penis inside the the mentally challenged is not something that makes you a hero in my eyes. So please do the world a favor and try fucking a blender set to frappe. But yeah, Ladies I'm a really nice guy. Please sleep with me. I'm so lonely.

3. Hello Pretty Lady,

My name is Dorian Dwarfchaser and I'm a tenth level elf mage on Guardians of the Sacred Muffin. Despite what my older brother, Icepick McGoldenPenis, says I really do like girls. A lot. I like girls so much that sometimes when I see one I make a ten point dream cache in my spiderman underpants. I really like girls. So, if you want to get with a guy who really likes girls hit me up. Please hit me up. I have full DVD collections of Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, Lord of the Rings and every copy of everything staring Ron Jeremy and Steven Seagal. If you do want to hit me up please understand that you must be a at least eighth level or higher on some kind of MMRPG or an OOCGISSTNOWECAE (Obviously Over Complicated Game Involving Stupid Shit That No One Will Ever Care About Ever).