Dr. LouBall Speaks!

Every once in awhile one of my friends forgets how horrifically bad at dating I am and asks me for advice.

Silly bastards. I really am that bad. Months go by, a thin coating of dust begins to form on my towering, painful erection that has maintained itself well past the four hour mark.

"Where's the rifle? Where's the tower? Where's the rifle? Where's the tower?" I repeat over and over like a Buddhist chant.

Then this drops into my email.

(Names have been changed to protect the "innocent." And I only added those quotation marks around the word "innocent" because I can't figure out how to capitalize quotation marks. Bold type is me, the rest is all Slutty.)

Dear Dr. LouBall

My name is Slutty McHornyAsFuck. I was recently seeing a man I affectionately refered to as Metal Dick Nixon because of the sixteen gauge Prince's Wand he wore in his penis (Here's what one of those looks like if you're curious.) This was an impressive piercing on an otherwise unnotable member. I'm talking small, small on a Saturday Night Live level of comedic hilariousness. But for some reason that big steel beam crammed down his pee hole was a massive turn on.

In addition to the wand he also had a scrotum three times the normal size. This was due to a hernia he suffered fifteen years ago and never bothered to have corrected. The hernia caused his large intestines to sag down into his sack making it bulge abnormally. Yes, before you ask, his balls were full of shit.

Me and Metal Dick dated for about a month before he started acting like a standard issue douche bag. He starts standing me up, never calls, he's always drunk. Long story short, I dumped his ass. I don't regret dumping him, but for some reason I can't stop seeing that fucked up package when I close my eyes. I think the problem lies in the fact that while I was seeing him we only ever fooled around. The fooling around was nice and freaky. He liked to have his ass beat bloody with a Silver Surfer riding crop while I screamed, "Tell me you'd suck Jack Kirby's cock, bitch! You know you would!"

All that was fun, but he and I never did get around to any actual intercourse. Now I can't stop thinking about the little freak. What should I do? Tell me, Doctor, should I track him down and bang him just to get him out of my system? Also, when are you going to give me my passport back?

Yours truly,
Slutty McHornyAsFuck

First of all, Slutty, I'd just like to say something to your boy Metal Dick. Dude, you are the Iron-Pee-Holed savior of the underendowed male everywhere. The lesson little men can learn from you is "Got a little dick? No worries. Upgrades available."

As for you, Slutty, all I can say is REALLY??? This is the guy you wish you'd boned. That's kinda sad really. I mean, the simple fact that he didn't fuck you when he had the chance implies to me that we're not really talking about a straight male human being but rather some government experiment that has escaped into the wild, Wolverine style, with an adamantium, if albeit, small cock.

But if you're really that hung up on the idea of polishing that knob I can go ahead and you're bent out of shape that it's not happening I'll go ahead and fill you in on how it would have gone down if you had fucked him.

You two would have fucked. You’d have been too drunk to use a condom and he would have been on top. Since you’re both freaks, he would have been hitting it way too hard. His intestine-filled balls would have been slapping against your upturned ass with such ferocity that at some point his hernia would rupture without him (or you) knowing it.

So when he eventually came he would just be spewing ounce after ounce of feces soaked semen into your womb as he slowly and painfully died of sepsis, which you would naturally mistake for a very intense orgasm until his cold, dead corpse sprawled across you in your ankles-to-earlobes position. Then you spend hours trying to get out from under him so you can call the cops.

Then nine months later, after your vaginal canal has rotted to the point where it’s not so much a hole as a spot in a bowl of warm tomato soup that some one is blowing in, his child crawls out on it’s six tentacles and slithers off to start its own show on Fox News which will look something like this. So, that said, Slutty, are you still sorry you didn’t get a chance to fuck that dude?

I thought not.

Glad I could help.

Sincerley,

Doctor Fuckin' LouBall